3 reasons men are better off keeping quiet

There's this old saying by Ben Franklin where he says, "I'd rather be the dumbest lot on earth than the smartest person with no one to share it with. Considering one of my hobbies is learning, I'd like to share my wisdom.

Now it doesn't matter that I'm right or wrong, I'd just like to have a discussion about what I learn, be it political or sports or whatever. It's kind of like my wife coming home with a good story to tell, and she wants to tell it to me. I usually listen with open ears. If I don't she gets ornery with me.

Yet later on I'm watching the news and I say something like, "The oil spill in Florida is a travesty, but the media continuously gets their facts wrong." So she gets all mad at me instead of discussing. So I decide it's better to just be quiet and be a good husband that way.

Yet the satisfaction department stays empty that way.

I've decided there are three types of discussions I have with my wife

1. I agree with my wife
2. I pretend to agree with her
3. I say nothing and let her talk away

The reasons I've decided I can't have a two-way discussion with her is because she

1. Finds fault with my opinions
2. Disagrees with me
3. Doesn't care what I have to say

Now if I did that to her I'd be up in a heap of trouble. She'd be angry. Yet I've learned from my own dad that it's better for me to appear to be the inferior dummy and to let the wife stand on a pedestal and look good. It's her world.

Or, as some old wise person once said: It's a man's world, but women run it. Or, to keep the squeaky wheel quite it's best to keep quiet and let it squeak.

Women's definition of angry

You can't really expect women to understand men. As I've written before, it's man's job to change, to adjust and try to figure out how to get along with women. There is something about women that prevents them from really understanding men.

For example, today I told my wife I had to go to the store to get some beer. She said, "What do you need beer for. It's not like you've been home with the kids the past three days."

"No," I said, "But I've been working, and I've had to deal with your mood changes." I smiled. Sometimes you just have to smile so she don't think you're angry. Whether you're angry or not, if she thinks you're angry then you are. Know what I mean?

Anyway, she says, "You're the one who was in a bad mood last night."

"I wasn't in a bad mood last night."

"You got into a fight with me."

See, I never got into a fight with her last night. All I did was sit in the livingroom eating popcorn, and since that violates one of her rules, she called me on it. I said, "It's not one of my rules."

Yet, since I questioned her in any way, I'm arguing.

You know, we're going to have to come up with a definition for angry. What is angry to men? What is angry to women?

Angry: Feeling or showing anger or strong resentment. Having a menacing aspect; threatening.

That's what dictionary.com says. That's what men believe the definition of anger is. And that's what men expect women to think the definition of anger is. Yet, don't be fooled. Not realizing what women determine as anger can get you in trouble. Yes, as I've written many times on this blog, we guys need to adjust. We need to read into our women and determine how things are on the planet Venus, as opposed to Mars.

So, on Mars, where women come from, anger is defined like this:

Angry: Providing an awkward look. Showing excitement, either resentment or Passion. Passionate questioning or doubting of a woman by a man.

See, that is why my wife always says Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh are angry. Beck is passionate about his cause, and his tone gets serious, and therefore he is angry.

I could be in a good mood, and my wife says, "Why are you eating popcorn in the living room?"

I say, "Because I always eat popcorn in the livingroom."

You are angry in her eyes. It doesn't matter you're relaxed and in the best mood ever. You, in her mind, are angry.

Now, you might have noted that she questioned me, yet that wasn't anger since she was the one who questioned me. Yet, if I would have said, "Honey, you can't eat popcorn in the livingroom!" Then I'm angry.

You see, it's ironic hypocrisy. There, we have

Ironic Hypocrisy: A woman holding a man accountable for his statements, yet not holding herself to the same standard. It's normal for a woman to question a man, but if a man questions a woman, that's unacceptable.

I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Listening versus hearing

Another thing I don't understand about women is why they have to tell me everything they do in their life. Here I'm sitting at the computer working on a project, trying to get the ideas from my brain to the screen before I forget them, and she sayd, "Can I tell you what happened to me today?"

The truth is, I want to hear what she has to say. Yet I don't want to hear it right now. Yet, If I say, "NO! You can tell me later," I'm being a jerk. It happens every time. She has no understanding of the fact I have to get these ideas out of my head before I forget them. And if I stop to pay attention to her story, I'll forget.

Yet, I'm forced to listen. If I dont', I'm ignoring the "Yes Maam protocol." So I listen to your story. Key work her is listen. I say, "Uh huh," "Yes," and "Oh, that's cool." All the while she is talking I'm looking at her, yet I really don't hear her. I don't hear her because I'm trying not to forget my ideas, and in my head I'm saying, "Does this story ever end." I'm sure if you're a guy you've been in a similar situation.

Honestly, it's not that I don't want to hear her story. It's just this is not a good time. Yet, as you all know, if you don't listen now you are a jerk. You are the guy, you have to adjust, you have to change, and this is one of the changes you have to make to make your marriage work. You might have a woman who catches on to this, yet most women I've ever known are not proactive in this way. On Venus, if a woman wants to talk, the other women stop to listen.

So, she finally finished, and I get back to my work. Sometimes I might quit and respect her all the more, yet sometimes I HAVE to get the ideas out. It's my work. It's where our money comes from.

So, now hears the kicker. A week later she says, "Remember when I said..."

You say, "No!"

"Well, you were sitting at the computer when I told you the story about..."

"I don't remember."

"You never listen to me."

"Well, I'm sorry, I can't remember everything."

"Well, you were saying uh hu and all that stuff like you were listening."

"Look, I can't remember everything."

So, I provide her the one rule I have, "Honey, if you want to make sure I'm listening, if you want me to really hear you, you have to talk to me when you know you have my undevided attention. I'm a guy, I can only do one thing at a time, and if I'm on the computer, there's no way possible I can actually hear you. So, my one rule is this: Make sure you have my undivided attantion before you tell me something I need to remember."

"What do you mean?"

Now, I would like to say something like, "If you have something important you want me to remebmer, make sure I'm paying attention."

Which is funny, because sometimes she does tell me things that are important during these moments, and I don't remember. I'm talking about things like, "Jeff, pick up the kids at 3:00. Don't forget."

In these cases, I have to make sure I follow another one of my rules: "Repeat what she says, and you'll rember to do it. And set the alarm if you need a reminder."

Yes. We guys can only comprehend one thing at a time. Women can comprehend 3 things at a time. I can talk to her when she's on the computer, and she'll remember everything I say. So, you can only respect that she doesn't understand why we guys can't do the same thing.

I don't know why this is. It must have something to do with the way our brains are made up.

Change

I don't mean any disrespect to women at all. That's not the point by my writings. I respect women. In fact, one of the reasons I created the "yes maam protocol" is because of the fact I respect them. I love my kids. I have made many sacrifices for my wife and family. I mean, I could be simgle right now with my pockets jingling. I could be single living in a world with no one criticizing the way I walk out of the bathroom. I could be single living with no kids, and no reason to get up at 6:00 in the morning, and to drag to soccer games at 8:00 in the morning on my only day off of the week.I could be living by myself in a clean house with a keg of beer in the fridge, instead of kids who disrespect me, never clean their rooms, mess up my rooms, tell me they hate me when I ask them to do something simple like, "Get dressed."

Actually, I love all that stuff. I mean, all the stress that comes with marriage, with having kids. I love it. I also love the power that comes with having kids. The knowing that I have children who will share the same values as me. Children to play catch with and to keep me young. All that stuff I love. I love the fact I have gray hairs dropping down from my nares because of all the stress of having a family and a job to basically make money that goes directly to my wife leaving me with barely enough money to buy a 12 pack of beer. And I think my wife is very reasonable most of the time. I think she is the most beautiful, most honest, intelligent woman I could have possibly ever met. She's good looking as a bonus, although that was never a goal of mine to have the most beautiful woman. I will honestly say that my wife is my soul mate. We were meant for each other.

Yet that's not to say she doesn't still live on the planet Venus, compared to me living on the planet Mars. Did you ever read that book, "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus." That was a pretty accurate protrayal of the differences between man and women. The only problem with that book is that when I read it I felt I changed ever so slightly so I could relate to my wife all the more. I changed. Isn't that something that we guys are born to do. We are born to make the changes necessary to make our marriages work. We make the changes necessary for the world to continue functioning in relative peace. For if we guys don't make changes, there will be no peace.

What I mean by this is that it would be easy for me to nag women about all the things we hate that they do. I mean, I hate it when she spends 25 hours in the bathroom every morning. I hate it when she wears that ugly brown dress to outings. Yet I don't say anything. I adjust. I say nothing because if I say I hate that fucking dress she gets all pissy with me. I hate it when she asks me what I think of her dress all the while expecting me to say, "I love it dear," instead of telling her the fucking truth.

So, I changed. I learned to keep my mouth shut. I learned to always "Love" whatever she wears, even though sometimes she says, "I hope you're telling me the truth.". Now, she complains about me when my hair is messy, when my pants are too baggy or dirty, and she complains when I don't shave. Yet, if I complained about anything on her possession, I am a dirty, useless scum. Seriously, she even called me that the other day when I broke one of her "rules." So, we guys change to keep the peace in our marriages and the world. We adjust. We form protocols like the "yes maam protocol" to keep the peace. That's what we do. Women don't change. They continue to critique or do whatever they do. We men change. And, to be honest, it's fine with me. That's just the role of being a man. We are the peace keepers.

Now don't get me started on rules. That's something I'll have to get into in my next post. I would say I have one rule to every 100 of hers. That's why I think women get so uptite all the time, is because on Venus there are a lot of rules. And if a rule gets broken all hell breaks lose. That's why women get all upset even when something minor happens, like I drop a kernel of popcorn on the livingroom carpet.

"Why do you eat popcorn in the livingroom? You know we have a rule about no eating popcorn in the livingroom!"

Now, according to the "Yes maam protocol" my role here is to say, "Yes maam!" Right? Remember that. It's my job to keep the peace. I'm sure it's not this way in all marriages, but that's how it is in my household anyway. So, say I decide I WANT to continue eating popcorn in the livingroom. So, I decide to brave it, and say, "Honey, I enjoy eating popcorn while I'm watching movies."

"Well, every time you do that you make a mess. I'm tired of you making a mess bla bla bla bla bla... (5 minutes later).... and that's why I don't want you eating popcorn in the livingroom."

"Honey, I don't have such a rule. It's your rule. I didn't make a popcorn rule. Where did this popcorn rule come from anyway?"

That, my friends, was a big mistake. The noble thing for me to have done there was to not say anything right from the get go, to get my popcorn out of the livingroom, and to sit next to her, rub her feet which I sometimes do, and snuggle with her and make her happy. But for some reason this day I wasn't in the mood for that. However, note, I was not in a bad mood. I was in a good mood and still am, yet, at this point, she says, "WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A BAD MOOD TONIGHT!"

Right on cue. So it's up to we guys to be proactive, to avoid such conversatins, because we all know if there is any discussion about one of her rules, IT'S YOUR FAULT. Thus, women have rules, men change to accomodate. And if there is a man out there who is not good at changing, it's those guys - I think -- who are the most likely to get divorced or have unhappy marriages. That, my friends, is why it's important to understand that one of the major roles of manhood is the ability to know when to keep your mouth shut, and implement the, "Yes Maam protocol."

Here's my first comment. I decided it was so awesome I had to make it into a post of it's own:

"Oh my God. I got what I asked for and I loved it loved it loved it.. You speak elequantly and with honesty and merit. I respect and worship your utter beautiful writing. I am literally astonished as I sit here.. Thank you so much for giving me something delicious to read. My eyes needed to see such logic and wisdom from somewhere other than my ,inside my head uterings, thoughts I say to myself after seeing and hearing the no value nonsense woman emmit as a normal behavior."

You better stop this lest I develop an ego.

Never started a fight

Another neat thing I have to report is I have never personally started a fight between myself and my wife. I like to keep the peace, to avoid controversy. If anything, I tend to follow the "yes maam protocol" and do whatever she says, keep my mouth shut, and, thus, avoid controversy.

I rarely, if ever, walk into the house and start complaining to my wife about all the things that she does that annoy me. I just dont' do it. What I will do is clean it up. She might not like it. She might come to me and complain that she can't find something I cleaned up. But, then, that's her coming to me, not the other way around.

Perhaps I'm seeing this wrong, and correct me if I am, but if I avoid controversy, then it's not me who is starting a fight. I never walk up to her and say, "God, I hate it when you do that." I just don't do it. Actually, I'm happy if she's happy. If she likes a mess there, that's fine by me. Seriously, I'm that easy going.

Yet, as soon as I butter the toast wrong, or as soon as I don't wipe snot off my face, or leave a crumb on the kitchen table, or don't put the icecream away fast enough, she is in my face telling me to do this or that. She is a lot more verbally critical than I ever am. And, for the most part, I like it. Sometimes she's a little too impatient for me, but that's fine. I'm equanimitous, and I need someone to keep me in line. I probably benefit her as she benefits me.

Yet, from time to time, she enters the home and starts going all haywire because I didn't do something the way she wanted. And, if I decide to avoid the "Yes maam protocol" and defend myself, then I'm an ass. Yeah. See what I mean. I can't win.

I'll give you a perfect example. She was upset recently because I let my kids eat in the livingroom. I see no problem with my kids eating popcorn in the livingroom. I did it when I was a kid, and personally I think it's neat to sit and watch a movie with my kids while eating popcorn. It's fun. It's a family moment.

My wife has a rule that we don't eat in the living room. Period. Yet, it's her rule. I let the kids eat in the livingroom, and I don't mind vacuuming or doing whatever is needed to clean up. I might not clean up right away, but I will the next day (which is often not fast enough.) But you get my point. It's all in good fun.

So, I let my kids eat popcorn in the living room. She got upset and made the kids go to the kitchen. I told her she was being a bit agressive with the kids. "But your not following the rules," she said. "What rules!" I said.

"The rule where we don't eat in the livingroom."

So I sigh and leave the room because I don't want to fight. I hate fighting. Yet it's too late. She follows me to the room and says, "Why do you always fight with me!"

"I'm not fighting with you. I'm just trying to reason with you. That's not fighting. I'm in a good mood, or was. I..." you see, I'm at a loss for words.

Then she pulls the, "You are an ass! You are such an ass!"

See. I'm the ass. I started the fight. Yet, as you can see, I didn't.

So, you can see that it's easier if you simply follow the "yes maam protocol" and avoid all conflilct. Because even a tiny spark can be twisted into, "It's all your fault."

Which brings me to another point. It'a always my fault. I'm the ass. We'll delve into this topic in my next post. I also want to discuss rules.

For now, though, everytime there's a fight it's always my fault -- it'a always your fault. Yet, we know, it's not really your fault unless you are the one who is the agressive one. It's not me. I'm just trying to be nice.

Valentines Day

I would never say this to my woman, but I will say it here because we all can handle a little truth: Valantines day is so stupid. Whew! I feel better getting that off my chest.

Buy a dumb flower that dies for no purpose other than to not get her mad at you if you don't. You'd think she'd rather have the money in the bank for something more important than getting flowers to watch them die 'cause of a date on the calender. Just can't understand woman.

Yet some women are not just content with flowers. My wife -- I love her -- keeps reminding me that Valentines is coming up, and then when it comes, she'll be upset if I don't give her something, and annoyed if I give her something. She'll be upset that I spent so much money. Or she'll be upset by my choice of flowers.

Or, worse of all, she won't say one word. She'll give me the silent treatment.

Silent treatment: A man's analysis of a silent wife is: she's annoyed. So, when she gives me the silent treatment, I don't know if she's upset, or if she hates what I gave her, or if she's so happy she's speechless. Honestly, I don't know.

Yet, so long as she doesn't bring it up, I don't. I don't because I feel what I gave her wasn't a good gift at all. That's how I am. I have no idea what kind of flowers to give her. I give her yellow -- what the hell are they called -- or red -- what the hell are they called. Or, most often, I just pick the flowers the lady at the flower shop says my wife would like.

I personally don't think flowers are useless. I think if you buy a flower that can be planted in a garden than you have a good flower. You can spend 30 bucks and have something to show for it. Yet, the last time I gave her a garden flower -- pretty mini roses -- she gave me the silent treatment. So, after I did this three times and got the silent treatment all three times, I took it as she didn't like this.

So the next time I skipped the flowers altogether, and I'm insensitive. So, what is a guy to do? The moral here is that Valentines is a stupid holiday. If she wants flowers, she knows exactly what she wants, and she can get it her self. But she never does. So, how am I supposed to know what she likes. And even if she told me, I won't remember because I don't know anything about flowers. I don't need to know anything about flowers. I'm more concerned about saving that space in my memory for political theory or something like that. I'm not a flower guy.

I like flowers. They smell nice, but I'm just not a flower guy. So, does that make me insensitive. I don't think so.

So, why do we have Valentine's day anyway? It's to show her that I love her. So, how about if I do that on a regular basis. I go to work, I work hard, I bring home money, I spend quality time with the kids, I let her go to the store, I tell her every day I love her cooking, I sit next to her at night on some occasions and rub her feet just, I compliment her, I listen to her stories about her aunt Mable, and I love her. I love her unconditionally. Why do I have to prove it to her on some stupid holiday.

Oh, I know. It's because Congress decided to make it a holiday not because it's a useful holiday, but because what do you do on Valentines? That's right! You buy flowers! You buy dinner for your wife! You spend money! Yep! While women think Valentine's is all about them, every day is all about them. Valentine's is the market's way of tricking women and men into spending more money.

Go figure that one out.

It's a dumb holiday. All it does is make life more complicated for men.